I've Had Quite A Week

Oo Hello, Blog. I am your owner. You've been neglected for some time. For this I apologize.

Since I've left you, I've met a woman.Her name is Holly. I love her. I call her my wife now. That's probably why I haven't written to you for quite some time, but here's the happenings now... In more detail than you would ever ask for.

Celebrated my 3rd month as a married man last Sunday. Cockily, I said "Yeah we got this marriage thing down. Don't know what the people were talking about with struggles, etc"

Remember that part in Titanic where that guy said "God Himself  can't sink this ship."

Or that time that LeBron told Miami "I don't know if we'll bring home 4 championships, 5 championships, 6 championships..."

Last Monday was just like any other Monday. I worked. I hugged and kissed my wife as much as I could. We shopped for groceries. We ate dinner.

Only this time, topped on my Spumoni ice cream, came a stomach pain I've never felt before. "That'll poop out," I thought. "I'll sleep this one off," I thought. Nothing. No sleep. Just angst. So much angst. Holly stayed awake with me and assured me that I would be okay. I'm curled in a ball at this point just wanting it to stop, and here she was praying with me. Talking to God, begging Him to take the pain away.
 
3 am came by, and we needed to go to the Emergency Room. The attendent that helped me out at the front desk was really nice. There was a plaque that said something to the effect of, "Do not physically or verbally abuse the staff.. You will be asked to leave."  I turn to the guy and said," I'm in a heck of a lot of pain right now, but don't worry about me *points to sign* I'm nice, and my punches aren't very hard ;)" The man gives me a pity smirk and gives me some forms to sign.

I'm wheeled (wheelchair rides are free) to a room. They stick an IV in me where my first wolverine claw would be if X-Men was real (see what I said about detail earlier?), and did a bunch of tests. My doctor said poop so many times I almost lost it... yadda yadda yadda... tests came back, and it turns out I have a kidney stone. (I give up on detail, it's getting kinda late)

I rest the next day, and come back to work the rest of the week.

What a great wife I have. So loving and sympathetic to my needs. She cries when something mildly bothers me. Weeps when I tell her how awesome my life insurance plan is when I die. My pains are her pains doubled, and I love her more each day. Many of my weaknesses are her strengths, and sympathy is something I lack.

How can I be more sympathetic? "Next time she needs me, I'll show sympathy"

She lost her job earlier today. There's my time to be sympathetic, right? YEAH! You would think! All I could think of for the first minute was, "Oh man. Bills. Christmas season. Replacement job. Game plan. Move back to my parents house. Yeah that..."

Why do I pretend like God isn't sovereign. Like He isn't in control of everything. I need to stop defining my life on how much money I have, how much satisfaction I'm getting from my job, and what others think of me, when the creator of the universe gave me His Son's righteousness. What more do I need? Naked I came into the world, naked will I leave. How's that for Job?

I have so much to learn. And I'm hurting right now physically and I'm worrying about my health and my finances... But there's only so much worry I can do before that becomes selfish.

My Blue Camera

I got an e-mail two days ago from my church's secretary informing me that they she has found a camera, and they think it's mine (because of the amount of selfies I've collected over the years). I just want to take a couple sentences to commend my church's administrative staff for going through the troubles of looking through my SD card (because my camera has been lost for about two years and did not turn on), and identifying me. They could have easily thrown it in the lost and found box. BUT ANYWAY Diane is great. Love my church.

This camera has been lost for about two years. Yes, Virginia, my camera has been sitting in the crevice of a couch in the fireside room for that long. It's been accompanied with cookie crumbs and whatever it is that church people eat. I thought to myself, the pictures in this are going to be reflective of a Jason from 1.5 years ago. A Jason with no church to call home. A Jason who was new and uncomfortable and did not know too many people. I remember the day I lost my camera - I haven't even met Justin yet officially. And it was the day I met Jackie.

Jackie

Yeah. The Voldemort to my Harry Potter. The one who shan't be named (don't know if that was the correct phrasing, but I wanted an excuse to say "shan't").  (Disclaimer: I have nothing against her. I'm not saying she's an evil wizard trying to kill me in the least. I think at this point in my life, I've been separated from her as healthy as two people can be after they've had a deep relationship)

Needless to say, as soon as I got home, I popped a battery in and reminisced on life before her. Who was I? What was I like? Was I better? Was I worse? Who was Jason?

THIS was Jason

(Note: photos uploaded at random with no previews in this window thing straight from my SD card)

It was pretty nice not to define myself by a failed relationship. To think about the past and really really fool myself into thinking those were the good old days. It's really easy to do that - just assume that the times in your past were better than they really were. It sucked being unemployed.  It sucked having winters without subzero temperatures. (Kidding, I'll take a snow-less winter any day.) It sucked not knowing what not to do in a relationship. It sucked not knowing what I know now from that last relationship

Finding this camera made me realize two things:

1) Life was pretty good before my last relationship

2) Life could be way worse

In the last couple of weeks, I've been talking to a few girls. Went out with a couple. Truly, there are plenty more fish in the sea - it's not that I necessarily have moved on to another girl. But there are people out there. Attractive women. Godly women. Women that have good taste in music. Ones that can cook. Ones that like me. It's not the end of the world. It's the beginning of a new one with a skeleton-less closet.

I'm truly thankful for the experiences. I'm just glad that I feel like I'm finally truly moving on.

One Hour

How am I going to spend this 'extra hour' this year for the end of daylight savings?

I thought it would be fun to just hang out with the guys around the house. I love my roommates. I wish I got to spend more time with them. I'm a bit envious, though, on where everyone is at in life. Just constantly moving. Anxious. Not knowing what God has in their lives, since youth and zeal still accompanies them. On  a whim, Justin, Elijah, and I were invited to go to a friend's house - a friend we have not seen in quite some time. Jeremy asked, "what's new besides eating at Twin Peaks (don't judge me, they have legit food)? Any new girls... Job? How's everything?"

That's what kinda hit me.

Our success is defined (in a nutshell)... (as a guy).. by if you have  a woman, how attractive (physically and not physically) she is, and how much you get paid.

That's pretty much it. Go ahead and ask anyone that graduated college how it is 'catching up with old friends.'

It made me think.. What the crap am I doing with my life?!

Yesteryear (I'm trying to say that word more), I was on a date with Jackie. (I'm sorry.. I'm sorry if you're tired about reading about her or hearing about her or whatever, but that girl stole my heart and I never let her get the chance of giving it back.) ANYWHO I WAS ON A DATE. I told her that we had an extra hour and I if I had 25 hours to spend in a day, that she is getting 100% of that hour. I made hot chocolate, put it in a thermos that I bought just for the occasion, and packed some cups and lids that I got from Starbucks. And I surprised her with a trip to the lake - our spot that no one knew about. Every detail planned - even asked her a few days ago if she was a whipped cream or marshmallow woman. She wasn't suspecting anything.. and OH WAIT I NEED TO SHUT UP BECAUSE THAT'S OVER.

Where am I going with this? As easily as I was able to fish up the details on that stupid waste of time, you know where I'm at with girls? I'm pretty much done. AT THIS VERY POINT.. I have no interest in dating anyone. I remember going to Jackie's hockey game in the 'hey I like you stage'... Waiting in my car with my head on my steering wheel just asking myself what I was doing. "She's gonna think I'm a creep. She probably doesn't like me as much as I like her. Things are going to be awkward now. Don't go." I don't know if I have another one of those in me. I don't know if I could go through the anxiousness of not knowing exactly how someone feels about me. The uneasiness of being shut down. The whole starting over again. Square one.

I was going to marry that girl.
She's with her ex boyfriend. The one that's not me.

What am I doing thinking about that trash? She trashed me. She spit on our relationship. And I'm not bitter.. That's what you call things that are of no use or value to you. Things that you shouldn't have. Trash. Trash that I just keep digging up.

10 months almost with that girl. And they say it takes half the time you were with them to get over them. One more month to go to see if that theory is right.

Oh also work is going well.

I Can't Stop Thinking

On about 3 hours of sleep and I can't go back to bed. I'm physically limited because of my knee, so it's not like I can take a long walk outside or anything. What is bothering me?

Well. Every time I close my eyes, my thoughts consume me. My heart races. One year ago today, I stared into a woman's eyes, and she dared to stare right back with both her hands clasping my right hand and said "Yes, only if you don't burp in front of me."

^ Not the outcome I was looking for in the question.

And this is not the outcome I was expecting out of the relationship.

September 23, 2012. It was a Sunday early early morning (after midnight). In my FJ Cruiser on my parking lot.

Who'd have thought a year later I'd be celebrating by dabbling on a laptop, prepping to go to work in a tie for no reason, and taking a Claritin at 6 am.

A friend told me that it takes 6 months for every year you've been together to get over someone you've been in love with. We were together barely 10 months, but why does it feel like she's taken a life time?

Random thoughts at 6 am. I can try to go back to sleep now I guess.

Results

It's the third week I'm on this regular workout thing. I'm noticing a lot from myself just from this workout routine. Things about being in my last relationship with a girl too.

That's results.

I get frustrated pretty easily. If I don't see results right away, I get agitated, sometimes I give up, sometimes I try to put the blame on someone else. I get discouraged.

Third week, and I've dropped about 10 pounds - I see no results. If I really look at my arms, they're a bit more tone than a few weeks ago, but it frustrates me that I look pretty much the same.

Looking back at my last relationship, I got frustrated that I didn't see much change in my girlfriend. The same thoughts and concerns frustrating her  after months of thinking it was resolved, but the thing is to see the big picture in things - that she did change. She changed her whole life, stopped talking to a few people in her life, and just became (in her mind) a totally different person. This is why I threatened the relationship and wanted to break up more than I should

That might be how my body is reacting to me. Where I THINK I'm doing stuff correctly but it just takes my body some time to get used to it.

Ephesians 5 had it right when God puts man and woman in the picture of marriage that the husband was the head to the wife - the body.

I just have to keep at it and be patient and love my body because it's  not gonna change over night. And I may have to change my thoughts (what to eat, my habits, etc) if I want to benefit my body.

I may not be in a relationship leading to, if not ending, in marriage anymore, but I thank God for giving me that reminder on what I should be in a relationship between a woman and myself, and how that can relate to my regarding my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit. I mean, I know it's a bit of a stretch, but I think that's how it works... Sanctification.

If I ever get in a relationship again, I'll think twice about giving up on us. Even when the skies get rough.

I messed up my knee to the point where I can't walk right. Probably because I've been pushing my body to the limit in one workout sesh and more than I should. That means I have to ease off the walking and squats which means that results are going to come way later than I expected. Which means I have to eat better and do other exercises that tailor around that knee. It's really such a beautiful picture the husband to the wife; the head to the body; Christ to the Church.

Thank you to all the people who have been praying for me and recovering emotionally. I'm still not there, but hey Christ loves me as His own body and I know that He is perfect and sovereign and is strengthening me through this time. I may be sore right now, but I know that I'll come back stronger than ever one day. It's okay to hurt for a short while knowing that it's just a growing pain.

My Testimony

I opened my email app and I had a draft of an email that I was writing to send to someone to proofread... Here's the testimony I gave my church to be a member. It's something that I wish everyone knew about me

Hi im Jason Reyes

26

From long beach, CA. And I am a sinner.

 Before I even existed, and before I was a mortal thought, God had a plan to save me from my sinful self. Romans 6:23 says, "The wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." I came to the saving knowledge of the Gospel, that Jesus died, was buried and resurrected, when I was 7 years old.  My aunt taught my Sunday school where my brothers and I learned a song to memorize John 3:16. Later that week, my aunt caught us singing the song. She brought us into her room and led us to the Lord. She told us that we would be in Hell, separated from God, if we did not believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. In hindsight, I prayed a generic sinners’ prayer in that room after receiving the gospel but it was Gods grace that saved me.  To quote Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

So by the grace of God, I was saved… and I’d like to tell you that I lived happily ever after and that my spiritual life grew, but that wasn't the case. My home church in Long Beach, CA closed, so I stopped attending church. I was a freshman in high school when God taught me the importance of church involvement and accountability. I started going to a church that some relatives invited me to. It was a Baptist Church in Long Beach. I got to be active in youth group and I shortly followed Christ in Believers’ baptism – Identifying with Christ as dead and buried, by plunging into water and coming out, as a symbol of Jesus being raised again.

God allowed me the opportunity to work as the Youth director at my old church and as a Christian camp counselor for 6 summers. Despite being involved in so many activities, I still found a way to take God for granted. I looked at the ministry I was serving in as a hobby, in turn, the hobbies became my god. I had God’s love regardless of who I was, but His love is so big that it eventually changed me.

After being unemployed for quite some time after graduation, I desperately applied for jobs outside of California. God then opened up an opportunity to start a career here. Everything I replaced Him with: Friends, family, girls.. Were all taken from me. I realized that when Jesus was all I had, He became all I ever really needed. Part of the beauty of the Gospel is that, in comparison to what Christ already did for us, all the problems you have become insignificant. God has been showing me more and more of my weaknesses and more and more of His perfect strength. He has shown me that freedom in Christ wasn't freedom TO sin, it was freedom FROM sin.

I’m glad that he has led me to Willow Creek, and I am very excited to see how I can serve here.

Cutting The Fat

I don't know if you've read recent blog posts, or follow me on Twitter, but I just got out of a relationship. One month and 16 days ago, Jackie broke up with me. It was one of the toughest months of my life right behind my grandpa dying and my dad having cancer for a few weeks. I don't remember a time where I've been so broken down. My house/my room is a mess. And I've kinda just stopped caring about myself. I've clung to God in my mind, but my heart just wanted Jackie. To tell you the truth, my being as a whole wanted Jackie more than God. And I KNOW it's wrong.. Mentally I know, but being so broken down FEELING like I have nothing else I realize that I do need to move on. I've made my cases, she's seen me in desperation, and she prefers the company of another man.

What do I do?

Sulk some more?

Eat myself into further depression?

Today I woke up with a thought, an idea. An ordinary adventure (see what I did there?). All of these years of abusing my body and not having any physical activity.. I can use that anger that sadness to motivate me to move. Yeah. Today I worked out. Not worked out hard... I just got out there. I around my neighborhood for like 30 minutes. Okay. I know that's not a big deal, but I had to start somewhere. I laid on my mat in my garage after with cramped calves thinking I couldn't get through it.. Just like I currently think I can't get through this rut. This mentality that I can't get over my girlfriend. I mean 9 months of "I can't see myself with anyone else." 9 months of "if we get married." and one week of "where's Jackie, I thought she was coming to California with you?"was what it took for me to realize I needed to cut the fat. Both physically and emotionally. All those love letters, old jeweler, notes on the board (as I look to my immediate right)  like this

NEED to be worked out of my life.

It's unnecessary and will only hurt me in the future..and by hurt me I mean will inhibit my chances with any girls cus no one likes a crybaby.. Or a morbidly obese guy.

What can you do to help? Keep me accountable. Encourage me. Ask me if I'm losing weight. Give me money...Jk about the last one.. Unless you're rich, I guess. 

I need to get healthier. Both physically and emotionally. I'm sick and tired feeling overwhelmed and drowning in my own sadness. I'm sick of thoughts teasing me. I'm not that guy. I need to delight in my weaknesses like the apostle Paul

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Here Paul talks about his infamous thorn in his flesh that Satan put there to taunt him. God didn't remove it because He's given him enough grace. I can count this loneliness as a thorn in my flesh. Something that I want to delight in. I'm not there yet, but His grace is sufficient for me. I know that He's all I've ever needed to begin with. 

I covet your prayers.

Strangers

"I really like you two together. She brings something out of you and you are just so much happier when you're with her, but at the same time there are some things that  you really have to think about. Jackie is a good fit for you, and your job as the guy is to lead her lovingly, and she has to help you and love you as you lead her"

My roommate Kenny told me, as my phone was buzzing with text messages from her.

Kenny's right though. She's a good fit. My life right now in shambles. And it's times like these when I'm alone with my thoughts. Accompanied  by a God that  never leaves me, that I hurt. I just hurt so much after these past few weeks. Every day is different, but every day is sad. Every part of me does not feel normal. Tears can't help from falling from my face right now to think that it's over.

Two strangers.

Strangers that got to know each other at a Dairy queen on Hickman and Merle Hay. Sitting across from each other on a rubber plastic metal mesh red bench. Ice cream dripping down the side of my cup, dropping to the floor. Innocence. Complete innocence and ignorance about being in line to ride this rollercoaster of a relationship - full of twists and turns and one big peak to lead to one huge plunge at the end of it. That plunge though, that drop. So huge it will make you regret even getting on in the first place. Going down feeling a sensation in the pit of your stomach, wishing the feeling would just go away and feel normal.

I'm fading fast. 

The Ride is over, and the strangers that became lovers now have to go through that painful process of becoming strangers again. Thoughts are just plaguing me right now. The pain of not being normal. The pain of fighting to just feel love again.

Almost 10 months of waking up to or sending good morning texts. Having an excitement to see that someone is thinking about you the same time you're thinking about them. Just. All. Disappear.

Ever have your heart ripped out of your chest? Me either, but I bet that this is what it feels like. 

I'm pathetic. I'm the worst person I know. And I have a Savior that loves me. A God that gave me so much in His death, burial, and resurrection, and just with simple belief in that, I am saved. What more matters? My happiness? The Gospel should be my happiness. Right now it feels like it's all I have.. But you know what? It's all I've ever needed.

A failed California trip. A failed relationship. A failed sucking at life in general is hugely outweighed in what I have in Christ.

I'm Thankful

It's a quiet Saturday night. Pretty much read my Bible for a few hours - I had to catch up on my reading the Bible in one year plan. Did laundry, and help my girlfriend move all day. I'm just thankful. There are things that could go worse (not in my favor) but I'm fine. I have no reason to complain.

I thought it would be cool to just think. No TV no music no nothing as I chomped on my Chipotle burrito bowl. I cleaned up my roomates' mess (and by cleaned up I mean put their trash away and place their soiled dishes in the sink) and just sat at my kitchen table to think. All this non-noise starts to promotethe most random thoughts. Everything flashing through my mind such as my childhood, overall life reflection, to food (#fatKidProbs #iKnowIhadJustEaten #hashtagOnBlog #wutUp #selfie), to my grandpa.

Yeah.

I know I talk about him a lot. But the pain never really goes away from a loss like that. The memories may be silenced/softened/hidden away, but it is always always going to be there. 

You have to understand what a great man my grandpa was. Almost the opposite of me actually. He never talked too too much.. but his words were ones that you would always remember. He didn't tell you he loved you as much as he showed you he loved you. 

Thankfulness.

He was thankful for his wife. My grandmother. His only girlfriend. Literally his one and only. Having one girl you've ever dated. And the day before he died STILL opened her doors, STILL held her hand, and STILL grinned at her like his feelings never changed. I want that. He was so thankful for her.

I'm thankful that I knew such a man. Till his last day on this planet, he was the most thankful person I know. Thankful in respect to always having an appreciation for everyone by staying true to his word. For example, on the day he died he told me that he would take my brother Carl and I out for breakfast. On his dying day he gave a $20 bill to my mother to give to us so that he could stay true to his word and treat us out to a breakfast. Part of me didn't want to spend that $20, but then that wouldn't fulfill my grandpa's wishes. I think Carl and my tab was about $9 bucks, but we left the whole $20.

So What've You Been Up To?

"Not much," is typically my response to that question. Typically it's to avoid long stories or a sequence of short stories that I find interesting in my life that nobody else does. What an awkward question. If I answer it, I sound like a prideful schmuck. I have such a boring  life. Anywho. This is me answering that question

Firstly, I'm learning about how much I need God in my life. I used to think about how much I knew or thought I knew, how much I thought I mastered in the Bible, how little I sin, but wow. I'm a mess. I'm such a prideful stupid mess. Humility is a hard pill to swallow. I fail God constantly, but He loves me. And I'm so glad He does. I'm so selfish and 27 years into life, I am realizing that.

Numero Two. Wow, I'm old. 27? I figured I'd have a family and my own house by now. Ah the best laid plans...

Thirdly, I have a girlfriend. Her name is Jackie. She's great. She hates when I'm public about us. So I'll just leave it at I couldn't ask for a better woman. (:

*stopped numbering*
I miss my family. I miss them a whole lot. Spending Christmas without them feels terrible, but at least I have my  brother, Ryne. And Skype. I have Skype.

My playstation was broken for two months. God works in mysterious ways, right? Assassin's Creed III comes out, I get a girlfriend and my playstation breaks! Nacho Libre was inside of it when it broke - When it rains it pours, right? Took $150 to get it back and running,  but I'm glad it's back.

My work schedule is killing me. I work till 8 almost every day. It doesn't allow me to go to church Wednesday nights. I hope that changes soon if we get to hire more people... Or get an alternate working schedule where I can have Wednesdays off and work 10 hour days.

Anywho. That's my life in a nutshell these days. Imagine if I told somebody this during an awkward urinal conversation (Yknow... at the urinal in the bathroom?)

Love

Never date a tennis player: Love means nothing to them.

Well I was a tennis player, and in some ways, I still am. I don't think the word love means anything to any of us anymore.


"I love otter pops," "I love soda," "I love driving,"I love video games." "I love you"


Love. A mere four letter word. Its definition has been distorted over the years and through American culture. The word is overused, underestimated, and its once powerful definition now means nothing, but a strong fondness. It's a word that can be used to describe your strong positive opinion of a food item and in the next sentence can vaguely describe your feelings toward a special someone.


Love.


I overuse it. I said it when I didn't mean it. I've cheapened its meaning, and now I'm convicted of it. Every time I use it, it means less every time. Someone recently told me that the more times I use a pickupline or compliment, the more meaning it loses...


I mean... Love means something. It means everything. Everyone has their own opinion of it, but I think from what I've surmised from over the years, it's the most important thing.. But I can't really put my finger on exactly what it means.. At least at this point in the entry.


What is love.. It is underestimated and is over complicated. Let's take a look at what some children's definitions (some intentionally left for silliness):


"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8


When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4


"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5


"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6


"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4


"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8


"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7


"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6


"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore," Cindy - age 8


"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6


"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4



"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget," Jessica - age 8




"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them." Jenny - age 8


See? Children get it... I couldn't come up with such pure innocent answers. Am I overthinking? I don't know.. Probably.


"Life makes love look hard"

-TSwift



Love has charcteristics found in 1 Corinthians 13.. Let's look at what love is





Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.


That means hate is mean, envies, boasts and is arrogant. It is RUDE. It insists on its on way, it is irritable resentful rejoices at wrongdoing, rejoices in deception, hate does not bear all things, Hate does not believe, hope and endures all things.


Wow. I hate people. There a few things I do need to work on to love more effectively.


I want the people I love to know and feel those three words and know that they are true when I say them and when they hear them. I don't want to cheapen love. Not even the word. I will make a whole-hearted effort to, even jokingly, hate less and love more, and not use the word excessively.


God is love. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. A self-less unconditional love. Wow. I don't deserve it, and I'm starting to doubt that I'm really capable of it... Yknow.. Loving a real kind of love. But God makes us worthy, right?


Christ is patient and kind; Christ does not envy or boast; Christ is not arrogant or rude. Christ does not insist on His own way; Christ is not irritable or resentful; Christ does not rejoice at wrongdoing but Christ rejoices with the truth. Christ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things endures all things.

Home. Reminiscing. Ordinary Adventures.

That's a weird concept right now. Ha. Home. I'm driving very familiar streets. In the last two days, I've had dinners prepared for me at two different homes (My Mexican Families). I live in Iowa now. That's my residence.


Home is where the heart is. Then I guess I have a couple different homes right? I have a piece of my heart everywhere.


I was driving to the house I grew up in (see what I did there? I didn't call it home) and looked at the clock. "It's 9:58," I thought, "it's pretty early!" So I circled back and just decided to take a drive. It felt great looking at familiar streets.I decided to tour my elementary and middle schools to kill the time and reminisce. It was nostalgic to have mini movies play in my head. Each one was as vivid as watching it on film.


One of the scenarios is where I walk towards the school entrance from my parents' cars giving them a kiss on the cheek and meditating on what the rest of the school day was going to be like. My first day of school. The air so cold I could see my breath, my backpack filled with brand new school supplies and writing utensils I was going to lose in weeks. All of my friends went to another middle school since my parents faked our address to get into the less ghetto. I was going to have to make new friends. I was in a completely different environment. A big school. Harder teachers, and I had no clue what to expect. But at least I had my new mechanical pencils, right? Do you remember that rush, the anticipation, and anxiety of that first day of school? Do you know when I last felt that? It was when I dropped off my dad at the airport after our long road trip to Des Moines, IA. It's that feeling of, "Is this for real?" "Wow, I'm really growing up, huh?"


I continued my drive and I just noticed buildings that have been built, street lines that have been painted, and businesses that were either abolished or replaced. My hometown is going on without me and for the the longest time I have been stagnant in my growth because I was waiting on my hometown. For the longest time I kept rereading the last page in the last chapter and prevented myself from advancing the next one. Life has to go on, and whatever that next challenge God leads me to, I have to take it with open arms (sidenote unlike Jon 'Bones' Jones in UFC 151).


I will always cherish my family and friend-families here in southern California. But Iowa is my home right now. I have new streets to get more familiar with, new roads, and new situations to where I can say "Wow, I'm really growing up, huh?"

Dos And Don'ts in a Filipino Household

1. DO take your shoes off before you enter. I don't know. I mean my household is a little more "Americanized" than most Filipino households... But if they have carpet for SURE take your shoes off. I have only hardwood and tile.
2. DON'T mind that there's a large cup/small bucket in the bathroom. Nobody forgot to put it away. It's supposed to be there. It's called a Tabo (tah-boh).. Americans have toilet paper... Filipinos have that. Just think of it as a poor man's french bidet. 
3. DO notice that we point with our lips. 
4. DON'T sit in a living room if it looks like no one's ever used the furniture (if there are multiple living rooms) because chances are nobody has and nobody will. For decorations
5. DO notice that F's sound like P's. That's a Pilipino accent.
6. DON'T refuse food or drink. Just don't.
7. DO sing karaoke if offered. Come on. It's FUN.
8. DON'T mind if we hug you. We do that.
9. DO cheer for Pacquiao. Seriously. If you love Manny Pacquiao, you're in.
10. DON'T forget to credit any Filipino dos and don'ts if a priendly Pilipino (see what I did there?) did you the favor of posting a blog for you before you meet a Filipino family.

Weird Time In My Life

Being this age is awkward. Well. I guess being any age is awkward. Babies don't know what they're doing. Toddlers fall a lot. Kids are just weird and excitable. Teens are.. Well. Awkward. Young adulthood, doesn't get any different. The difference between then and now? It's what your goals are.

In America, everything revolves around your livelihood. So learning was always the goal. Graduating elementary, middle, and high schools were the goals of our childhood. Colleges/Careers were our goals as young adults, and well now that you have a career... Now what?

"Life is what you make it."

Well. What the heck do I make it? This is awkward. Get more money? Buy more stuff? Get a woman? SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! I just feel like I'm gonna just work till I die. How depressing is that? Work. Cubicles. Pay check to pay check. Retirement. Die. I'm glad I have Jesus. My only hope. It just frustrates me that I don't have a clear path for my goals these days. I don't know what I want.

Ha. Wasn't that funny? I hang out with a lot of bible college students, so I hear a lot of that... I was thinkin tho....

The average American male gets married at 26.8 years old. I was 26.8 on May 18th of this year which officially makes me a late bloomer. You would think I would have my act together by now and would have had a house a woman and my life all figured out. I always said "Yeah, I'll figure it out soon.." Truth is, I'm here and there's nothing to figure out. When you're a baby you just had to figure out how your body and environment worked. As a toddler, you're walking around exploring stuff.. Now I got a house car and all that I need a woman, right?

So anyways. I'm not lonely, but I feel an obligation to try and get hitched. All my friends are getting married if they're not already. It really hit me when I got an invite to a friend's wedding... A friend who at one time I had feelings for. No I'm not still in love with her or anything, but one can't help but reevaluate your life based on these recent events.

I'm thinking way too much. Love Jesus. Every day. As much as possible. That should be my goal. All this depression and regret is taking time away from my Savior.

The Best Laid Plans

The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy!
(The best laid schemes of Mice and Men
oft go awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!)
-Robert Burns

I've been really into British literature these past two weeks. It's really weird. I came across that  Robert Burns poem that I read back in '03 and it really inspired me to write this. My life never goes to plan. Nay, my life never goes according to MY plan. My initial plan was to move to Iowa for a bit, live with my friends for maybe a year, move in with my bro if I'm still here, and haul my crap back to California as quickly as possible.

Didn't Happen.

God had another plan. Move here... Humble the crap outta me, take away all the distractions I had back in California, then refocus my life to Him. It took like two years for that realization. Up to a couple of weeks ago, I still thought I needed to go back to California.

My old church needs me.
I need to see my cousins grow up.
My  parents are getting older. They need me to do stuff around the house.
I need to see my old friends.

Although none of those things are bad, those aren't things that I needed. I need to grow up.

And I've grown so much here. I have great friends that encourage me spiritually. I have an awesome church. I have my brother. I can start a life here. I HAVE started a life here.

My dad had cancer two weeks ago. Now he doesn't. During that week of suffering after he was diagnosed I felt week. I felt helpless. I felt like I was useless out here, and that I should have been in California this whole time to be there for my dad. I lost sleep. I lost sanity. I lost tears. But I never lost hope in Christ. Philippians 4:4-7 is something that I've been telling others to curb anxiety. I told people that the Love of Christ surpasses all understanding. I didn't tell that to myself. I hated that all I could do was depend on Him. I always take things (or try to) into my own hands and solve whatever problems. To think that something as terrible as cancer was used to humble me. To strengthen faith in my Christ. When I got news that the cancer was gone, I rejoiced and came to the realization that no matter where I am, God is sovereign and whatever happens will happen for His glory.

After the countless of job cancellations and denials, I've come to the acceptance, the realization, the welcoming of Central Iowa being my home. This time I mean it... Because I've said that before.


For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
   
(Jeremiah 29:11-13 ESV)

Five Of the Weirdest Things About Me

We're all weird. Only few people list and elaborate on them on blogs, and that in itself is not weird. Let's get to it.

1. I hate Styrofoam. Polystyrene foam to be exact since Styrofoam is a brand name of the Dow Chemical company that invented it so for me to continue keep saying it would be ignorant. ANYWHO. I hate it. Not for the environment purposes, but the density, texture, and weight of it for some reason causes it to become repulsive. It's completely irrational to why I hate the feel and sound of the stuff, but it's very comforting to know that I'm not alone in this world. There was a group on myspace that was 27 people strong (back when myspace was cool), and I met someone in Iowa that shares the same fear. I used to have to be in another room while objects packed in the substance are being freed from its evil clutches ie super Nintendo, drinking glasses, etc.
2. I watch anime. What's anime? Japanese animation. It's not something I'm proud of. I basically only watch Naruto.... Which is about ninjas. Ok I guess enough about that.
3. I make a weird gag sound when I brush my teeth. More specifically if I brush for more than 5 minutes or if I'm brushing my tongue. Oftentimes people ask if I'm okay whilst coming from the bathroom after brushing. It's pretty bad, and I can't not do it. Sorry roomies.
4. I need like 2 pillows to sleep. I use 3 daily.
5. If I think I don't blink my eyes at exactly the same time, I have to reblink them. I'm pretty sure I have OCD.. Or did and grew out of it out of sheer laziness.

Little Things That Make my Day

1. Waking up not feeling crappy.
2. Having a song finish as I arrive at my destination.
3. Having exact change when paying in cash.
4. Filling gas and having it land on a price with no change.
5. Clean windshields.
6. When no one yells at me at work.
7. When the ketchup bottle is like 5% full (optimist) and it makes a fart noise.
8. Good parking spot available as I pull in lot.
9. I update a Facebook status and it is instantly liked.
10. Smiles from pretty faces.
11. Good hair days.
12. When I ask someone where they want to eat and they have a decisive answer.
13. Hearing a crunch when I step on a single leaf.
14. When I look at the clock and it's 3:33.
15. When I go to a restaurant and their to-go boxes aren't made of Styrofoam (polystyrene.. but Styrofoam is the generic term).
16. Any day without Styrofoam, actually. (I will expound on this one day)
17. Unique accents.
18. High fives.
19. Pickup lines
20. When I pick something out to wear and I don't have to iron it.
21. Mentally saying "I'll do those dishes later" and when I come back, they're done.
22. Spontaneous group song-singing.
23. When I have all socks accounted for in the laundry
24. When someone initiates a text conversation as I was texting them and I get to truthfully say, "I was texting you JUST now!"
25. When people read my blogs and comment/like on the post on facebook.

Superheros

I was reminiscing about camp. I was a camp counselor. It was a big part of my life - actually it still is because some of my best friends are people that I've met in a camp environment. But... that's an entry for another time. There's a camp theme every year for every camp that I've been to and my FIRST EVER camp was themed "God's Superheros!" I was pretty stoked to find out that the teams names for Junior week included Justice league, the Avengers, and two other insignificant teams. Seriously. Who can beat superman or the hulk? Anyways before I geek out on you, I was really really thinking about what we view as a superhero. The recipe goes as follows:

1. Regular guy
2. Something tragic/ near death happens
3. Said guy becomes awesome(r)
4. Morals get injected into said comic book

BOOM! you have a superhero!

 

Pictured Above: Superhero.. and sidekick Arturo

Okay.. That's just me on Halloween at the coffee shop I worked in back in 2006. We always think of a hero as someone who was normal, becomes stronger, and does things that no one else can really do to save them. I was always so envious. I wanted to climb walls. I wanted to fly. I wanted all the cool gadgets and I wanted to be fearless. But I never had a radioactive spider. Never came from Kryptonian decent. Didn't have he gizmos.

Going back to camp and the theme: My chapel notes have disappeared, but the message of Jesus has remained constant. Jesus was the ultimate superhero. He's defeated the villain of death and sin for ALL. The Formula is all backwards though: Already awesome... And coming down to earth as a regular man. A God-Man that hungered, that thirsted, that willingly felt pain for our behalves. This camp theme is really hitting home in terms of my weakness and infirmities. In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul boasts in his weakness because it magnifies the strength of the Lord. God has constantly used the people - like Joseph (the youngest son), Moses (a cowardly man who couldn't even circumcise his own children), and Peter (a lowly fisherman) to serve Him in the greatest ways! It really puts it in position to where he could use anyone for His glory - no one has an excuse to not serve no matter how little they think they are or how insignificant I think I am.

I've always viewed strength as something of my own. So I'll pass on the gamma rays, the genetic experimentation and whatever made the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles so mutantly and ninja-like - I have everything I need - my weakness magnifies how great God is.

 

Top Inventions: Aroma Alarm Clock

My mind wanders. Actually, I don't think it really has a set path, but when you see a blank stare, twiddling thumbs, and maybe a smirk on my face, it usually could be one of three things: I thought of a funny thought (a joke or pickup line), I farted, or I thought of a genius (to me) invention!

Now I'm no engineer. Nor do I have much practical creative ability, but I just wanted to share a couple of inventions that I've come up with over the years. Probably one blog post per invention.

Aroma Alarm Clock - I got this idea as a child on Saturday morning. Monday thru Friday you would wae up earlier than normal to go to school. I ran on a strict schedule because my parents could only drop me off at school on the way to work (which was very early). I dreaded the alarm clock. I dreaded it so hard. I looked forward to the weekend. As a kid you either woke up early for cartoons, or you slept in. I usually watched cartoons since you weren't really cool on Monday if you didn't watch the Friday night lineup 'TGIF' with Boy Meets World and others, or did not watch the Saturday morning cartoons (TMNT, Sonic the Hedgehog...) BUT When I was very tired I did not want to get bothered or wake up past 10 o clock.. UNLESS there was an awesome breakfast. I did NOT mind waking up for breakfast.

Reminiscing on those days, I thought of the Aroma Alarm Clock. Instead of waking up to a nagging sounding alarm, you would wake up like *sniff* *sniff* "OooOooo! Bacon!"

(Direct TV commercial rip off below)
Cus if you wake up angry, you start to throw things
If you start to throw things, your mom will think your crazy
If you're crazy you go to an insane asylum
When you go to an insane asylum, behavioral scientists study you.
When behavioral scientists study you, they name a disorder after you
When you get a disorder named after you, you will die alone
Don't die alone

Ever Have That English Assignment...

Where your teacher just told you to keep writing and not to stop and think, I thought that this would be a great experiment to do on a blog now that I'm older, more mature and have a sharpened mind. I'll be doing that on this blog now. Spelling errors and all. I haven't done this exercise in about well since like 8th grade or so... But here goes... So everyone is getting in a relationship and dating and stuff these days and I think it just has to do with the time of the year... Tis the season! I'm not jealous or anything... at least I don't think I am. I'm quite happy for those people actually. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want that for myself... But I'm a guy. I'm independant. I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. But still. It'd be nice to have a woman. Work. Work's okay. Recently they increased the difficulty of our call volume. I didn't even know they sorted calls on difficulty level or anything. I just saw my phone program say "Advanced" on it this week and yeah... Calls are starting to suck more than they previously did.. Oh well.. At least I'm making more money now than I was when I was a dougie instructor... That's code for unemployed living with my parents. So Ryne's getting a car. Good for him. I'm buying it, so that's cool. He wants to get an SUV and looks like I already got my loan approved. Wow. I'm so vain. I am talking about money money and girls. God is great. I've been going to Willow Creek Baptist Church and that place is pretty awesome. The preaching is great and it really hits me hard. The focus in small groups hits home and really gets me going on accountability on my testimony. I need stuff like that to keep me going. I loved CBC and everything, but I just felt like I didn't belong there. My pet peeve is like you having a good conversation with someone and when you see them next... Maybe on campus, they'll pretend like they don't know you and don't even say hi or anything. That's a lot of the Faith Kids thought. Or that could just be me being critical on myself. But anyways I have to become a better me. Go out there not fearing rejection for a 'hi' or anything. I'm a grown man but I still feel those little high school insecurities.. I wonder if that will ever stop. Speaking of awkward moments, I heard my ex gf was in town... In fact I even heard that she went to go watch dorm ball and we were even in teh same room together... Before I even started dating her though I never really noticed her presence.. Even when she lead the kids in choir or played piano.. I just never really noticed her. My friend said it was probably good that I didnt see her because I don't avoid awkward situations.. I run right into them... Wow. I guess that's a little contradictory.. Me feeling insecure and awkward about even saying hi to someone i know from church but on the flipside saying something to my ex gf who pretty much ex communicated me from her life. I really wanted to be friends but I guess some of that just doesn't work out. I've been studying First Corinthians in my Devos.. God's been teaching me a lot in Romans and in 1 Cor these days but more particularly divisions in the church. Am I in the wrong for not being on speaking terms with a sister in Christ.. Is that the division? She does live far far away... So I don't know. All I know is that I have let everything go from that 2 week relationship.. but we had a really great friendship while that lasted. I really gotta start putting myself out there and being more outgoing. And here I was trying to move to Northern California.. I'd be a social mess if I moved. I just hope that God grows me good in my time In Iowa. Not in a physical sense though.

Well that was eventful.
What did I learn from that?
He must increase. I must decrease.