Strangers

"I really like you two together. She brings something out of you and you are just so much happier when you're with her, but at the same time there are some things that  you really have to think about. Jackie is a good fit for you, and your job as the guy is to lead her lovingly, and she has to help you and love you as you lead her"

My roommate Kenny told me, as my phone was buzzing with text messages from her.

Kenny's right though. She's a good fit. My life right now in shambles. And it's times like these when I'm alone with my thoughts. Accompanied  by a God that  never leaves me, that I hurt. I just hurt so much after these past few weeks. Every day is different, but every day is sad. Every part of me does not feel normal. Tears can't help from falling from my face right now to think that it's over.

Two strangers.

Strangers that got to know each other at a Dairy queen on Hickman and Merle Hay. Sitting across from each other on a rubber plastic metal mesh red bench. Ice cream dripping down the side of my cup, dropping to the floor. Innocence. Complete innocence and ignorance about being in line to ride this rollercoaster of a relationship - full of twists and turns and one big peak to lead to one huge plunge at the end of it. That plunge though, that drop. So huge it will make you regret even getting on in the first place. Going down feeling a sensation in the pit of your stomach, wishing the feeling would just go away and feel normal.

I'm fading fast. 

The Ride is over, and the strangers that became lovers now have to go through that painful process of becoming strangers again. Thoughts are just plaguing me right now. The pain of not being normal. The pain of fighting to just feel love again.

Almost 10 months of waking up to or sending good morning texts. Having an excitement to see that someone is thinking about you the same time you're thinking about them. Just. All. Disappear.

Ever have your heart ripped out of your chest? Me either, but I bet that this is what it feels like. 

I'm pathetic. I'm the worst person I know. And I have a Savior that loves me. A God that gave me so much in His death, burial, and resurrection, and just with simple belief in that, I am saved. What more matters? My happiness? The Gospel should be my happiness. Right now it feels like it's all I have.. But you know what? It's all I've ever needed.

A failed California trip. A failed relationship. A failed sucking at life in general is hugely outweighed in what I have in Christ.