Thoughts of a Fat Guy

Lately, I have been thinking about death more than usual. As dark as it sounds, I don't think about it in a sad way for the most part. Every time someone asks me "Hey are you going to _____?" or "I'll see you ______!" I typically say, "Unless I'm dead or something, yes." But I've stopped saying that because I get puzzled faces and long uncomfortable hugs... sometimes followed by "No you won't!!" or "Don't say that!" I'm just not ruling it out as a possibility. And to borrow a comedic situation from Gabriel Iglesias's I'm Not Fat, I'm Fluffy,

"Why do we have to measure life in how long we live? Why can't we measure it in the quality of life we live?..... Cus I'm not about to go on a diet, get hit by a car and die knowing that I could have had cake... When I die, I want the coroner's lab to smell like potato wedges"


As funny as that sounds, he's right... to a point. We don't know when were gonna go. So I eat. I enjoy. I live life.

Funny... That's a word that people would describe me. Every time I address my weight problem, it's in a joke. In fact about 45% of the stand up comedy I used to perform revolved around my obesity. I've been fat since about 4th grade, and looking back on it, I think I can attribute my [sometimes] good sense of humor to it. I used my weight to make friends. Growing up I made fun of myself so that I didn't give other people a chance to. Thank you belly, for my friends. I've come to terms with it. I'm a big dude. I'm insecure. I'm always thinking about how to position my body to where I look least fat. I dress in layers to distract the eye.

I put on facade of cockiness. Of assuring people I don't think I look hideous. I'd rather be called a pompous jerk than a pathetic mess. Fact is, I am insecure. Every time I thought a girl proved my pessimism wrong... It wasn't whatever x-factor qualities that initially brought any girl into my life were somehow shadowed by some force called friendship. Who'dda thunk friendship would be detrimental to my relationships with the opposite sex? I'm not dumb.. I was dumped in the past cus I'm fat. They're not to blame, though.. I am. Not gonna blame it on my mom for feeding me taco bell twice a week when she took me to [vision] therapy. Not gonna blame it on my grandfather [Lord rest his soul] for cooking well. Not gonna blame it on the California School district for feeding me salt, preservatives, and fillers. It's all on me. And I really gotta shape up.

I don't know when I'm gonna die. But I don't want my fat to be the cause of it.