One Hour

How am I going to spend this 'extra hour' this year for the end of daylight savings?

I thought it would be fun to just hang out with the guys around the house. I love my roommates. I wish I got to spend more time with them. I'm a bit envious, though, on where everyone is at in life. Just constantly moving. Anxious. Not knowing what God has in their lives, since youth and zeal still accompanies them. On  a whim, Justin, Elijah, and I were invited to go to a friend's house - a friend we have not seen in quite some time. Jeremy asked, "what's new besides eating at Twin Peaks (don't judge me, they have legit food)? Any new girls... Job? How's everything?"

That's what kinda hit me.

Our success is defined (in a nutshell)... (as a guy).. by if you have  a woman, how attractive (physically and not physically) she is, and how much you get paid.

That's pretty much it. Go ahead and ask anyone that graduated college how it is 'catching up with old friends.'

It made me think.. What the crap am I doing with my life?!

Yesteryear (I'm trying to say that word more), I was on a date with Jackie. (I'm sorry.. I'm sorry if you're tired about reading about her or hearing about her or whatever, but that girl stole my heart and I never let her get the chance of giving it back.) ANYWHO I WAS ON A DATE. I told her that we had an extra hour and I if I had 25 hours to spend in a day, that she is getting 100% of that hour. I made hot chocolate, put it in a thermos that I bought just for the occasion, and packed some cups and lids that I got from Starbucks. And I surprised her with a trip to the lake - our spot that no one knew about. Every detail planned - even asked her a few days ago if she was a whipped cream or marshmallow woman. She wasn't suspecting anything.. and OH WAIT I NEED TO SHUT UP BECAUSE THAT'S OVER.

Where am I going with this? As easily as I was able to fish up the details on that stupid waste of time, you know where I'm at with girls? I'm pretty much done. AT THIS VERY POINT.. I have no interest in dating anyone. I remember going to Jackie's hockey game in the 'hey I like you stage'... Waiting in my car with my head on my steering wheel just asking myself what I was doing. "She's gonna think I'm a creep. She probably doesn't like me as much as I like her. Things are going to be awkward now. Don't go." I don't know if I have another one of those in me. I don't know if I could go through the anxiousness of not knowing exactly how someone feels about me. The uneasiness of being shut down. The whole starting over again. Square one.

I was going to marry that girl.
She's with her ex boyfriend. The one that's not me.

What am I doing thinking about that trash? She trashed me. She spit on our relationship. And I'm not bitter.. That's what you call things that are of no use or value to you. Things that you shouldn't have. Trash. Trash that I just keep digging up.

10 months almost with that girl. And they say it takes half the time you were with them to get over them. One more month to go to see if that theory is right.

Oh also work is going well.

I Can't Stop Thinking

On about 3 hours of sleep and I can't go back to bed. I'm physically limited because of my knee, so it's not like I can take a long walk outside or anything. What is bothering me?

Well. Every time I close my eyes, my thoughts consume me. My heart races. One year ago today, I stared into a woman's eyes, and she dared to stare right back with both her hands clasping my right hand and said "Yes, only if you don't burp in front of me."

^ Not the outcome I was looking for in the question.

And this is not the outcome I was expecting out of the relationship.

September 23, 2012. It was a Sunday early early morning (after midnight). In my FJ Cruiser on my parking lot.

Who'd have thought a year later I'd be celebrating by dabbling on a laptop, prepping to go to work in a tie for no reason, and taking a Claritin at 6 am.

A friend told me that it takes 6 months for every year you've been together to get over someone you've been in love with. We were together barely 10 months, but why does it feel like she's taken a life time?

Random thoughts at 6 am. I can try to go back to sleep now I guess.

Results

It's the third week I'm on this regular workout thing. I'm noticing a lot from myself just from this workout routine. Things about being in my last relationship with a girl too.

That's results.

I get frustrated pretty easily. If I don't see results right away, I get agitated, sometimes I give up, sometimes I try to put the blame on someone else. I get discouraged.

Third week, and I've dropped about 10 pounds - I see no results. If I really look at my arms, they're a bit more tone than a few weeks ago, but it frustrates me that I look pretty much the same.

Looking back at my last relationship, I got frustrated that I didn't see much change in my girlfriend. The same thoughts and concerns frustrating her  after months of thinking it was resolved, but the thing is to see the big picture in things - that she did change. She changed her whole life, stopped talking to a few people in her life, and just became (in her mind) a totally different person. This is why I threatened the relationship and wanted to break up more than I should

That might be how my body is reacting to me. Where I THINK I'm doing stuff correctly but it just takes my body some time to get used to it.

Ephesians 5 had it right when God puts man and woman in the picture of marriage that the husband was the head to the wife - the body.

I just have to keep at it and be patient and love my body because it's  not gonna change over night. And I may have to change my thoughts (what to eat, my habits, etc) if I want to benefit my body.

I may not be in a relationship leading to, if not ending, in marriage anymore, but I thank God for giving me that reminder on what I should be in a relationship between a woman and myself, and how that can relate to my regarding my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit. I mean, I know it's a bit of a stretch, but I think that's how it works... Sanctification.

If I ever get in a relationship again, I'll think twice about giving up on us. Even when the skies get rough.

I messed up my knee to the point where I can't walk right. Probably because I've been pushing my body to the limit in one workout sesh and more than I should. That means I have to ease off the walking and squats which means that results are going to come way later than I expected. Which means I have to eat better and do other exercises that tailor around that knee. It's really such a beautiful picture the husband to the wife; the head to the body; Christ to the Church.

Thank you to all the people who have been praying for me and recovering emotionally. I'm still not there, but hey Christ loves me as His own body and I know that He is perfect and sovereign and is strengthening me through this time. I may be sore right now, but I know that I'll come back stronger than ever one day. It's okay to hurt for a short while knowing that it's just a growing pain.

My Testimony

I opened my email app and I had a draft of an email that I was writing to send to someone to proofread... Here's the testimony I gave my church to be a member. It's something that I wish everyone knew about me

Hi im Jason Reyes

26

From long beach, CA. And I am a sinner.

 Before I even existed, and before I was a mortal thought, God had a plan to save me from my sinful self. Romans 6:23 says, "The wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." I came to the saving knowledge of the Gospel, that Jesus died, was buried and resurrected, when I was 7 years old.  My aunt taught my Sunday school where my brothers and I learned a song to memorize John 3:16. Later that week, my aunt caught us singing the song. She brought us into her room and led us to the Lord. She told us that we would be in Hell, separated from God, if we did not believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. In hindsight, I prayed a generic sinners’ prayer in that room after receiving the gospel but it was Gods grace that saved me.  To quote Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

So by the grace of God, I was saved… and I’d like to tell you that I lived happily ever after and that my spiritual life grew, but that wasn't the case. My home church in Long Beach, CA closed, so I stopped attending church. I was a freshman in high school when God taught me the importance of church involvement and accountability. I started going to a church that some relatives invited me to. It was a Baptist Church in Long Beach. I got to be active in youth group and I shortly followed Christ in Believers’ baptism – Identifying with Christ as dead and buried, by plunging into water and coming out, as a symbol of Jesus being raised again.

God allowed me the opportunity to work as the Youth director at my old church and as a Christian camp counselor for 6 summers. Despite being involved in so many activities, I still found a way to take God for granted. I looked at the ministry I was serving in as a hobby, in turn, the hobbies became my god. I had God’s love regardless of who I was, but His love is so big that it eventually changed me.

After being unemployed for quite some time after graduation, I desperately applied for jobs outside of California. God then opened up an opportunity to start a career here. Everything I replaced Him with: Friends, family, girls.. Were all taken from me. I realized that when Jesus was all I had, He became all I ever really needed. Part of the beauty of the Gospel is that, in comparison to what Christ already did for us, all the problems you have become insignificant. God has been showing me more and more of my weaknesses and more and more of His perfect strength. He has shown me that freedom in Christ wasn't freedom TO sin, it was freedom FROM sin.

I’m glad that he has led me to Willow Creek, and I am very excited to see how I can serve here.

Cutting The Fat

I don't know if you've read recent blog posts, or follow me on Twitter, but I just got out of a relationship. One month and 16 days ago, Jackie broke up with me. It was one of the toughest months of my life right behind my grandpa dying and my dad having cancer for a few weeks. I don't remember a time where I've been so broken down. My house/my room is a mess. And I've kinda just stopped caring about myself. I've clung to God in my mind, but my heart just wanted Jackie. To tell you the truth, my being as a whole wanted Jackie more than God. And I KNOW it's wrong.. Mentally I know, but being so broken down FEELING like I have nothing else I realize that I do need to move on. I've made my cases, she's seen me in desperation, and she prefers the company of another man.

What do I do?

Sulk some more?

Eat myself into further depression?

Today I woke up with a thought, an idea. An ordinary adventure (see what I did there?). All of these years of abusing my body and not having any physical activity.. I can use that anger that sadness to motivate me to move. Yeah. Today I worked out. Not worked out hard... I just got out there. I around my neighborhood for like 30 minutes. Okay. I know that's not a big deal, but I had to start somewhere. I laid on my mat in my garage after with cramped calves thinking I couldn't get through it.. Just like I currently think I can't get through this rut. This mentality that I can't get over my girlfriend. I mean 9 months of "I can't see myself with anyone else." 9 months of "if we get married." and one week of "where's Jackie, I thought she was coming to California with you?"was what it took for me to realize I needed to cut the fat. Both physically and emotionally. All those love letters, old jeweler, notes on the board (as I look to my immediate right)  like this

NEED to be worked out of my life.

It's unnecessary and will only hurt me in the future..and by hurt me I mean will inhibit my chances with any girls cus no one likes a crybaby.. Or a morbidly obese guy.

What can you do to help? Keep me accountable. Encourage me. Ask me if I'm losing weight. Give me money...Jk about the last one.. Unless you're rich, I guess. 

I need to get healthier. Both physically and emotionally. I'm sick and tired feeling overwhelmed and drowning in my own sadness. I'm sick of thoughts teasing me. I'm not that guy. I need to delight in my weaknesses like the apostle Paul

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Here Paul talks about his infamous thorn in his flesh that Satan put there to taunt him. God didn't remove it because He's given him enough grace. I can count this loneliness as a thorn in my flesh. Something that I want to delight in. I'm not there yet, but His grace is sufficient for me. I know that He's all I've ever needed to begin with. 

I covet your prayers.

Strangers

"I really like you two together. She brings something out of you and you are just so much happier when you're with her, but at the same time there are some things that  you really have to think about. Jackie is a good fit for you, and your job as the guy is to lead her lovingly, and she has to help you and love you as you lead her"

My roommate Kenny told me, as my phone was buzzing with text messages from her.

Kenny's right though. She's a good fit. My life right now in shambles. And it's times like these when I'm alone with my thoughts. Accompanied  by a God that  never leaves me, that I hurt. I just hurt so much after these past few weeks. Every day is different, but every day is sad. Every part of me does not feel normal. Tears can't help from falling from my face right now to think that it's over.

Two strangers.

Strangers that got to know each other at a Dairy queen on Hickman and Merle Hay. Sitting across from each other on a rubber plastic metal mesh red bench. Ice cream dripping down the side of my cup, dropping to the floor. Innocence. Complete innocence and ignorance about being in line to ride this rollercoaster of a relationship - full of twists and turns and one big peak to lead to one huge plunge at the end of it. That plunge though, that drop. So huge it will make you regret even getting on in the first place. Going down feeling a sensation in the pit of your stomach, wishing the feeling would just go away and feel normal.

I'm fading fast. 

The Ride is over, and the strangers that became lovers now have to go through that painful process of becoming strangers again. Thoughts are just plaguing me right now. The pain of not being normal. The pain of fighting to just feel love again.

Almost 10 months of waking up to or sending good morning texts. Having an excitement to see that someone is thinking about you the same time you're thinking about them. Just. All. Disappear.

Ever have your heart ripped out of your chest? Me either, but I bet that this is what it feels like. 

I'm pathetic. I'm the worst person I know. And I have a Savior that loves me. A God that gave me so much in His death, burial, and resurrection, and just with simple belief in that, I am saved. What more matters? My happiness? The Gospel should be my happiness. Right now it feels like it's all I have.. But you know what? It's all I've ever needed.

A failed California trip. A failed relationship. A failed sucking at life in general is hugely outweighed in what I have in Christ.

I'm Thankful

It's a quiet Saturday night. Pretty much read my Bible for a few hours - I had to catch up on my reading the Bible in one year plan. Did laundry, and help my girlfriend move all day. I'm just thankful. There are things that could go worse (not in my favor) but I'm fine. I have no reason to complain.

I thought it would be cool to just think. No TV no music no nothing as I chomped on my Chipotle burrito bowl. I cleaned up my roomates' mess (and by cleaned up I mean put their trash away and place their soiled dishes in the sink) and just sat at my kitchen table to think. All this non-noise starts to promotethe most random thoughts. Everything flashing through my mind such as my childhood, overall life reflection, to food (#fatKidProbs #iKnowIhadJustEaten #hashtagOnBlog #wutUp #selfie), to my grandpa.

Yeah.

I know I talk about him a lot. But the pain never really goes away from a loss like that. The memories may be silenced/softened/hidden away, but it is always always going to be there. 

You have to understand what a great man my grandpa was. Almost the opposite of me actually. He never talked too too much.. but his words were ones that you would always remember. He didn't tell you he loved you as much as he showed you he loved you. 

Thankfulness.

He was thankful for his wife. My grandmother. His only girlfriend. Literally his one and only. Having one girl you've ever dated. And the day before he died STILL opened her doors, STILL held her hand, and STILL grinned at her like his feelings never changed. I want that. He was so thankful for her.

I'm thankful that I knew such a man. Till his last day on this planet, he was the most thankful person I know. Thankful in respect to always having an appreciation for everyone by staying true to his word. For example, on the day he died he told me that he would take my brother Carl and I out for breakfast. On his dying day he gave a $20 bill to my mother to give to us so that he could stay true to his word and treat us out to a breakfast. Part of me didn't want to spend that $20, but then that wouldn't fulfill my grandpa's wishes. I think Carl and my tab was about $9 bucks, but we left the whole $20.